Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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