3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
