dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
