Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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