you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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