happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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