"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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