I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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