i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
