omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
