I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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