Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
