whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
