True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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