oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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