but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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