He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
