forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize