Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
