WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
