if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
