can we get nightvision for the apartment?
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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