I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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