i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
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