My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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