fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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