she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
It's blow job season.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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