I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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