these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
