Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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