if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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