i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
