Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You're like the curious george of whores
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
