just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
