if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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