Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
