1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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