It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
