dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
