i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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