Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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