Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
