She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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