You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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