Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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