I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
