Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
