I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
