i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
