READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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