i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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